One of the joys of Fortress Ameritrash is the annual Secret Satan ritual performed around Christmas. It's similar to Secret Santa, but instead a great way to get rid of the worthless crap you compile through bad buying decisions and unwanted gifts. If you feel a bit sentimental, you might slip in a few nice bits to soften the impact of your satanic evil.
But you also receive a load of junk yourself. Last year I received a copy of Ascalion, the German version of Borderlands, but also a puzzling cd of country songs performed on a Moog synthesizer. So I was pretty apprehensive of what would befall me this year.
Oh boy, was I glad my package turned up late for Christmas…
This meant I would be on holiday when it arrived and I wouldn’t have to touch it for some time. Who knows what hand Lucifer would’ve dealt me?
So when I got back today, I picked it up at my neighbour’s. There was a bit of a wait at the door, but my apprehension was soon soothed when the old men appeared and happily handed me the package. He seemed in fine feather.
Much relieved I returned home, but decided to take precautions anyway. The box was sealed pretty tightly and I consulted a friend of mine who’s in waste disposal about the best approach. I improvised a hazmat suit.
|Better safe than sorry, let´s move this MoFo outdoors|
Then on to dissecting the box of doom.
This time Satan had not been beating about the bush. The hate was in my face as I stared at the behind of Reiner Knizia’s Modern Art in a dilapidated version. Many a time have I lamented my knowledge of this game and Satan throws it right back at me and my suboptimal talent for In Die Faust bidding. I left the box there to whither for some time and to let the foul stench wear off.
|OH NO!!! I've been Kniziad!|
As I returned I decided to dig deeper and removed Knizia´s Bane from the box, revealing a stunning edition of Jodorowsky’s Weapons of the Metabaron, a classic French comic. Of course Satan wouldn’t spare me a treacherous trick, as I lapsed on the series some time ago and have no clue where all this fits in the greater story line.
And still deeper down the box, I found this accursed amulet. Taunting me, Satan obviously despises me for my lack of needling skills. In fact, this proves to be the badge of the Colonial Marines in Aliens! That is awesomely cool! I will become a seamster, no matter how and sew this badge of honour on some fitting sleeve!
|Bug Stomper: "We endanger species".|
And then to top it all off: a kick in the shins on what first appears a friendly Christmas card…
It proves no such thing
Well, I guess I had that coming….
But then... much later, when I sat down to write this post, I thought of actually opening that box of Pandora, and found that apart from containing the accoutrements to the accursed Modern Art, it also held Mission; Red Planet! It looks almost complete, only missing the rules. But that can be fixed. That makes this year´s haul actually kind of awesome. And Satan rather like a big ol´ soft puss...
|This game has been on my 'this must be really cool' list for a few years now|
PS if you want to know what I inflicted on an unsuspecting victim, look here